sophistication

So I'm sitting outside watching my little sister, she doesn't know I can see her, or that I am even out here. She is twelve, fully going on 16. Heavy eyeliner, trendy hair, decked out in hollister, boyfriends, constant cell phone, etc etc. It is a rare moment when we get a glimpse of cute little Emma, the one that carried around her little yellow crusty bacteria laden blanket everywhere and said adorable things, mouth stuffed with blanket, like "I can't bweve" when the car got too stuffy.

So I'm watching her play alone on this bench we have in our yard, I think she has constructed a worm family and is thusly making them play house, judging by the wafts of little emma voice that make its way over here from time to time. (god these poor worms). Yes, one of them is late for school.

Okay, the really cute part is when she started getting kind of upset, then really upset, and apologizing profusely. This apologizing is loud and clear. And now she is digging a hole in the ground. She is um, def crying. I think she killed a worm and is burying it. After the remains have I suppose, been appropriately dealt with by Emma's standards, little Emma promptly returned to le sigh Emma. Stood up, dusted off her pants, flipped her hair seventeen different ways, fixed her eyeliner, pulled out her cell phone and is walking towards me. All flippant and slightly annoyed to even have to ask, she inquires if caterpillars are one of those things that can like, you know, do that regeneration thing if like maybe it like, gets cut in half by accident. No, Emma, you are a worm murderer. But, the worm sacrifice was totally worth this last fifteen minutes - not that I'll ever let her know this. poor worm.


(if you squint, that's emma, remembering for a brief moment, that she is in fact only 12)

almost human

push play or else.


so - in addition to actually making it over my first mountain on my bike yesterday, and yes it was only a 12 mile ride, and yes I spent most of the time not trying to swallow my tongue/vomit trying to breathe, and yes I could have done it 4 times over not too long ago and it been a whim, and no I still don't even remotely fill out my bike shorts, but I did that shit, and it was harder than crap. Yeah, so in addition to THAT. allow me to say I ate three whole meals yesterday, inclusive of toaster strudels, pb&j and chips, and ginger snaps and whipped cream (among other delightful concoctions) - and house was on for four hours last night...and I started my writing assignment for lab. (if you aren't weeping tears of overwhelming joy for me at this point, congratulations, you have no soul)....in addition to all of this

I AM NOW DRAINLESS.

My dad came at me with gauze and a pair of scissors this morning and said.
It is time.

okay, i couldn't not post this

From: my aunt
To: my mom
Sent: 5/5/2009 7:24:39 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subj: lisa

I heard Lisa came home....Elizabeth and I just sent her some stuff to NC....smack her while she is there for not listening to her mother. Pinch her and pull her hair....that will teach her!! Take good care of her and tell her we are thinking about her. smack her!


**in ref to the fact that mom tried to save me from my past five months of hell by doing everything she could to make me go to UVA to my old docs. she is convinced I would be in a better brighter place. (of course, like always, im sure she was right)

that is all.

home.

So I think somewhere between my last blog post and now - its honestly been a gigantic haze, I went back in the hospital, twice? Then I crawled my way out more mentally broken than I really thought was feasible. So, naturally, I called mom and after a long blubbering conversation - decided I needed to go home to Virginia to wait out the last of this no eating/being hooked up to parental nutrition/having too many tubes to count hanging out of my body draining scary horrid things/ part of the illness.

The good news is I feel like a normal person again. I'm still tube laden, but I had one egg today, and mom made me pretend chicken soup, and it was better than 99% of the past month of my life. Eating *is* amazing, even if I'm not really supposed to yet.

Mom and I skipped all of our work today (I have two papers yet to write for school) and pulled out all of her old pictures from her childhood up through mine, the ones hidden away in a closet having not been touched in maybe a decade or two. So the day has really been kind of wonderful. Hours of sitting on the cold floor, freezing, ass hurting, spine hurting, starving - the most fantastic minutes of my life since being able to eat an egg this morning.

Favorites:
my older sister and me


the rare pictures a of me as a baby when I didn't look asian/laden with brain tumor/like the gerber baby


my older sister begged my mom to make a snowman when 1/2 an inch of snow fell. So they made a tiny snowman, adorned him in doll clothes, and saved him in the freezer forever.
older sister again, and not much has changed.



I reiterate.



my mom was a babe.


I am *so* happy to be home. I don't know if I have enjoyed/appreciated it to this extent - maybe ever. I think this needed to happen for more reasons than I will ever be able to surmise.

Mom is angry with me because I am blogging and not working on my paper, I can't handle one more dirty look and big sigh.

She did after all, let me eat an egg.

Back to the land of pubmed scouring and sentence rewriting.