how to procrastinate. free expert advice. (now updated!)

Maybe you've been writing a paper for a month, and maybe for the past two weeks you have only had to finish the very last section that would take a day's worth of concentrated hard writing.

So its Sunday, your PI returns on Thursday, and you know she is expecting this review you started writing from what feels like birth. (How surprised the doctors were as you exited your mothers uterus with a mini type writer just a tappin' away about DAMPs and fibrosis.)

Your week is looking really busy, so Sunday is kind of the last day to really have giant swaths of time to do nothing but focus solely on writing. So here is how I recommend preparing for a day of intense uninterrupted writing:

First, sleep in until noon. No way to mentally kick off your day like dragging yourself out of bed in the afternoon feeling like you've been hit by a bus. This should be followed by strawberry waffles and an episode of little house on the prairie. On every commercial break, explain to your boyfriend that you absolutely must leave. like. this is it. you really gotta go. But oh.my.god. I think Laura's brother in law is dying. Sad shit.

(interesting tidbit, Shannon Doherty played a little girl on that show - your bf will probably try and argue with you and tell you that it is so not her -but don't worry, after checking on IMDB, you are right as usual)

So when little house on the prairie is over (a whole hour for these episodes too, really) - somehow time has slipped into 2pm. and then Gladiator actually has the gall to come on. So as you are saying goodbye - slowly, find yourself sinking back into the couch, eyes glazed, mouth slack... Gladiator is a stronger timesuck than little house on the prairie, imagine.

2:45 pm - yes. You are now off the couch, but you should probably smoke a clove before you actually hit the road.

3:05pm - Finally, you get the eff out of there to go write this paper. you are READY TO WRITE LIKE A CHAMP.

3:10 pm - oh shit. Wendy's sells strawberry milkshakes. de-licious.

3:40 - get home. god who made such a freaking mess in your room?! Blame your roommate. You certainly can't write with all this ridiculous clutter.

While cleaning, you may as well get all those bills written out that have been sitting on your desk for who knows how long, because you accidentally found them when you moved your old dead laptop, package up some mail you've been meaning to send out, and hell, when *is* the last time you swept the kitchen floor? While your sweeping, marvel over the amount of cat hair you sweep up, contemplate saving it to impress your roommate.

About this time you will remember your friend's baby shower gift that needs to be wrapped, its been sitting in the corner of your room so long its started to double as furniture, search for wrapping paper - no time like the present! (hah, see what I did there, present? yup. incredible)

Okay, this is when you need to get serious. Quit goofing the eff off. Sit on your bed. Open your laptop. And remember you haven't downloaded off of emusic in awhile. Try to very quickly make good on the 50 tracks you pay for monthly in one foul swoop, and maybe spend fifteen minutes trying to find Kangaroo by Big Wu, because this 4 minute song kind of rocks your world the two times you've heard it on Sirius. oh wait, speaking of creating queues, this will remind you, you had some very important things that needed to be added to netflix.

I wisely suggest you appear to be very startled when you realize its 5:30. you *really* need to start writing. But you promised you would get cat food today, and you certainly don't want that hanging over your head while trying to write....better run out and grab a few things - oh, and that pet hair brush you have been meaning to get for months? They sell them beside the cat food.

So now the cat is thoroughly brushed, the brush is thoroughly cleaned. What can you really do now except blog about procrastinating while continuing to carry out the said subject manner? Because now its 6:27 and you just yawned 143 times in a row. You'll probably be in bed before too long. This now leaves you maybe a couple of hours of writing. Don't forget, you still have to eat dinner and shower too.

Way to go you slacker. You just wasted your entire day. Hope your proud of yourself.