1) Blowing your nose with paper towels leaves rug burn on your face. Yes Virginia, that is unfortunate.
2) It is preferable to clean up the 976 discarded tissues and paper towels off the coffee table before your roommate gets home. Especially clear the apartment of all evidence you ate the last of her good (slightly old) Halloween candy.
3) Remember you have to write a paper and it is due at 5 pm. Remember all day on a regular basis but don’t start it. It’s more important that you explore the depths of stumbleupon.com. Subsequently make banana bread from scratch (please take all proper precautions from the almost certain amalgamation of snot and batter).
4) Wonder how it’s possible you have generated so much mucous in such a short time and survived. No, really.
5) Talk to two friends via gmail chat and one via text message while making banana bread and keeping your hands clean.
6) Are you properly stressed over not writing your assignment? Good, because it’s almost 5pm.
7) Remember you stayed home today because you are sick, lick the batter bowl, and lay your aching feverish body back on the couch. Contemplate whose suave idea it was to make banana bread in the first place when you’re fairly sure eating is going to be futile.
8) Whine and moan for the benefit of the cats that might be questioning your permanent residence on the couch. Push them off if they try to join you. God, annoying. No one can pet two cats and fret over finding the end of the internet.
9) It’s 7 pm, have a cup of coffee while the morning’s dose of prednisone starts to really kick in, find the energy to get on your bike trainer for 45 minutes and completely overdo it.
10) Quit talking to your neighbor about nothing and *get in the shower*.
11) Somehow become so engrossed in lolling around that 10pm just blindsided you, your paper is five hours late. Commence paper writing.
12) Realize Nyquil makes writing in your native tongue virtually impossible.
13) Realize you have rugburn on your face. Let this provide fodder for imminent blog posting. No, it’s cool, paper is like – 2/3rds finished.
Showing posts with label you love my free advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label you love my free advice. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I should probably go excersize to burn off this negative energy (updated)
Dear Everyone,
Facebook is not going to make a dislike button. Please stop inundating my news feed with posts about how you want a dislike button, you joined a fan page supporting the creation of a dislike button, you find it ironic that you dislike the idea of a dislike button, you've invited me to like the dislike button option, you'd sell your soul or at least engage in highly immoral activities to pretty please install a dislike button. In my recent turn of events, that I may or may not digress at a later time point, my facebook activity is at an all time high and a little variety would take the most minor bit of edge off.
Five buttons I would support, and thusly take over your news feed in support of:
1) Shut the eff up
2) No one cares
3) I feel bad for your significant other
4) O_o
5) You have a cold, not the bubonic plague
Perusing my news feed this morning, eating wheat chex, watching Robin Meade, and pushing the cat off my shit, it dawned on me why my FB annoyance peaks on Mondays.
number six, which is really an elaboration of buttons one and two. In fact this button is too verbose and detailed to really be a button, but I feel like I would probably be at risk for carpal tunnel if it existed. Besides, there are no rules or limitations on hypothetical situations. That's the beauty of them being hypothetical. So there.
6) You are not kooky or original when you bitch about Monday. Stop it.
Yours Truly,
Lisa
Li
sa McCoig likes this
Sunday, June 14, 2009
how to procrastinate. free expert advice. (now updated!)
Maybe you've been writing a paper for a month, and maybe for the past two weeks you have only had to finish the very last section that would take a day's worth of concentrated hard writing.
So its Sunday, your PI returns on Thursday, and you know she is expecting this review you started writing from what feels like birth. (How surprised the doctors were as you exited your mothers uterus with a mini type writer just a tappin' away about DAMPs and fibrosis.)
Your week is looking really busy, so Sunday is kind of the last day to really have giant swaths of time to do nothing but focus solely on writing. So here is how I recommend preparing for a day of intense uninterrupted writing:
First, sleep in until noon. No way to mentally kick off your day like dragging yourself out of bed in the afternoon feeling like you've been hit by a bus. This should be followed by strawberry waffles and an episode of little house on the prairie. On every commercial break, explain to your boyfriend that you absolutely must leave. like. this is it. you really gotta go. But oh.my.god. I think Laura's brother in law is dying. Sad shit.
(interesting tidbit, Shannon Doherty played a little girl on that show - your bf will probably try and argue with you and tell you that it is so not her -but don't worry, after checking on IMDB, you are right as usual)
So when little house on the prairie is over (a whole hour for these episodes too, really) - somehow time has slipped into 2pm. and then Gladiator actually has the gall to come on. So as you are saying goodbye - slowly, find yourself sinking back into the couch, eyes glazed, mouth slack... Gladiator is a stronger timesuck than little house on the prairie, imagine.
2:45 pm - yes. You are now off the couch, but you should probably smoke a clove before you actually hit the road.
3:05pm - Finally, you get the eff out of there to go write this paper. you are READY TO WRITE LIKE A CHAMP.
3:10 pm - oh shit. Wendy's sells strawberry milkshakes. de-licious.
3:40 - get home. god who made such a freaking mess in your room?! Blame your roommate. You certainly can't write with all this ridiculous clutter.
While cleaning, you may as well get all those bills written out that have been sitting on your desk for who knows how long, because you accidentally found them when you moved your old dead laptop, package up some mail you've been meaning to send out, and hell, when *is* the last time you swept the kitchen floor? While your sweeping, marvel over the amount of cat hair you sweep up, contemplate saving it to impress your roommate.
About this time you will remember your friend's baby shower gift that needs to be wrapped, its been sitting in the corner of your room so long its started to double as furniture, search for wrapping paper - no time like the present! (hah, see what I did there, present? yup. incredible)
Okay, this is when you need to get serious. Quit goofing the eff off. Sit on your bed. Open your laptop. And remember you haven't downloaded off of emusic in awhile. Try to very quickly make good on the 50 tracks you pay for monthly in one foul swoop, and maybe spend fifteen minutes trying to find Kangaroo by Big Wu, because this 4 minute song kind of rocks your world the two times you've heard it on Sirius. oh wait, speaking of creating queues, this will remind you, you had some very important things that needed to be added to netflix.
I wisely suggest you appear to be very startled when you realize its 5:30. you *really* need to start writing. But you promised you would get cat food today, and you certainly don't want that hanging over your head while trying to write....better run out and grab a few things - oh, and that pet hair brush you have been meaning to get for months? They sell them beside the cat food.
So now the cat is thoroughly brushed, the brush is thoroughly cleaned. What can you really do now except blog about procrastinating while continuing to carry out the said subject manner? Because now its 6:27 and you just yawned 143 times in a row. You'll probably be in bed before too long. This now leaves you maybe a couple of hours of writing. Don't forget, you still have to eat dinner and shower too.
Way to go you slacker. You just wasted your entire day. Hope your proud of yourself.
So its Sunday, your PI returns on Thursday, and you know she is expecting this review you started writing from what feels like birth. (How surprised the doctors were as you exited your mothers uterus with a mini type writer just a tappin' away about DAMPs and fibrosis.)
Your week is looking really busy, so Sunday is kind of the last day to really have giant swaths of time to do nothing but focus solely on writing. So here is how I recommend preparing for a day of intense uninterrupted writing:
First, sleep in until noon. No way to mentally kick off your day like dragging yourself out of bed in the afternoon feeling like you've been hit by a bus. This should be followed by strawberry waffles and an episode of little house on the prairie. On every commercial break, explain to your boyfriend that you absolutely must leave. like. this is it. you really gotta go. But oh.my.god. I think Laura's brother in law is dying. Sad shit.
(interesting tidbit, Shannon Doherty played a little girl on that show - your bf will probably try and argue with you and tell you that it is so not her -but don't worry, after checking on IMDB, you are right as usual)
So when little house on the prairie is over (a whole hour for these episodes too, really) - somehow time has slipped into 2pm. and then Gladiator actually has the gall to come on. So as you are saying goodbye - slowly, find yourself sinking back into the couch, eyes glazed, mouth slack... Gladiator is a stronger timesuck than little house on the prairie, imagine.
2:45 pm - yes. You are now off the couch, but you should probably smoke a clove before you actually hit the road.
3:05pm - Finally, you get the eff out of there to go write this paper. you are READY TO WRITE LIKE A CHAMP.
3:10 pm - oh shit. Wendy's sells strawberry milkshakes. de-licious.
3:40 - get home. god who made such a freaking mess in your room?! Blame your roommate. You certainly can't write with all this ridiculous clutter.
While cleaning, you may as well get all those bills written out that have been sitting on your desk for who knows how long, because you accidentally found them when you moved your old dead laptop, package up some mail you've been meaning to send out, and hell, when *is* the last time you swept the kitchen floor? While your sweeping, marvel over the amount of cat hair you sweep up, contemplate saving it to impress your roommate.
About this time you will remember your friend's baby shower gift that needs to be wrapped, its been sitting in the corner of your room so long its started to double as furniture, search for wrapping paper - no time like the present! (hah, see what I did there, present? yup. incredible)
Okay, this is when you need to get serious. Quit goofing the eff off. Sit on your bed. Open your laptop. And remember you haven't downloaded off of emusic in awhile. Try to very quickly make good on the 50 tracks you pay for monthly in one foul swoop, and maybe spend fifteen minutes trying to find Kangaroo by Big Wu, because this 4 minute song kind of rocks your world the two times you've heard it on Sirius. oh wait, speaking of creating queues, this will remind you, you had some very important things that needed to be added to netflix.
I wisely suggest you appear to be very startled when you realize its 5:30. you *really* need to start writing. But you promised you would get cat food today, and you certainly don't want that hanging over your head while trying to write....better run out and grab a few things - oh, and that pet hair brush you have been meaning to get for months? They sell them beside the cat food.
So now the cat is thoroughly brushed, the brush is thoroughly cleaned. What can you really do now except blog about procrastinating while continuing to carry out the said subject manner? Because now its 6:27 and you just yawned 143 times in a row. You'll probably be in bed before too long. This now leaves you maybe a couple of hours of writing. Don't forget, you still have to eat dinner and shower too.
Way to go you slacker. You just wasted your entire day. Hope your proud of yourself.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
free advice part 6 (i think)
If you received a sonicare toothbrush for christmas from your parents, and the following conditions hold true:
a) you don't like to clean your bathroom mirror on a daily basis
b) you find toothpaste spit in your hair unbecoming
c) you find toothpaste spit in your eyes to be even less appealing
d) brushing your teeth with more skill then a five year old is a barometer of your integrity
Then - I would suggest not turning the device on until it is planted safely inside your mouth, with your lips firmly closing your around the neck of the toothbrush, with all your might (white bloodless lips are almost essential at this point) and maintaining this stance for the duration of brushing, at all times. no kidding, all times. I mean - if you even think of parting your lips for the briefest of moments - prepare to splatter your bathroom vanity, mirror, yourself, the cat that terminally lives in your sink, your neighbor will wonder why snow is falling by their windows, and yes - it gets in your eyes. Also, your roommate will inevitably choose that time to walk by and witness your whirlwind toothpaste cat 5 hurricane, and might attempt to treat what she believes to be - an epileptic fit.
Only when your sonicare toothbrush has finished its 2 minute brushathon and has ceased its vibrating mayhem of savagery - should you very, very, carefully - remove this very phenomenal cleaning device from your mouth - rinse it lovingly - retire it to it's charging haven - fall to your knees - and pay homage to the most powerful piece of vibrating equipment you will ever own, that didn't come from a shop with barred windows.
p.s. I <3 my new sonicare.
a) you don't like to clean your bathroom mirror on a daily basis
b) you find toothpaste spit in your hair unbecoming
c) you find toothpaste spit in your eyes to be even less appealing
d) brushing your teeth with more skill then a five year old is a barometer of your integrity
Then - I would suggest not turning the device on until it is planted safely inside your mouth, with your lips firmly closing your around the neck of the toothbrush, with all your might (white bloodless lips are almost essential at this point) and maintaining this stance for the duration of brushing, at all times. no kidding, all times. I mean - if you even think of parting your lips for the briefest of moments - prepare to splatter your bathroom vanity, mirror, yourself, the cat that terminally lives in your sink, your neighbor will wonder why snow is falling by their windows, and yes - it gets in your eyes. Also, your roommate will inevitably choose that time to walk by and witness your whirlwind toothpaste cat 5 hurricane, and might attempt to treat what she believes to be - an epileptic fit.
Only when your sonicare toothbrush has finished its 2 minute brushathon and has ceased its vibrating mayhem of savagery - should you very, very, carefully - remove this very phenomenal cleaning device from your mouth - rinse it lovingly - retire it to it's charging haven - fall to your knees - and pay homage to the most powerful piece of vibrating equipment you will ever own, that didn't come from a shop with barred windows.
p.s. I <3 my new sonicare.
Friday, December 26, 2008
free advice like you've never seen before. (i.e. wipe the saliva puddle off your chin, honestly)
If you go to christmas dinner, and seven people are attending said dinner, and the spread on the table includes filet mignon, turkey, ham, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberries, homemade rolls, triple chocolate cupcakes, homemade blueberry cheesecake, homemade apple pie and ice cream, 6 different assortments of cookies, crackers and cheese, fruit, vegetables and dip, five pounds of shrimp and cocktail sauce....
For the love of god...one bite of everything honestly. Because, really, there is no way in hell you can cram in the necessary four pounds of sweet potato casserole with all that other noise distracting your belly from the annual requisite sweet potato casserole stuff fest. It is absolutely acceptable to fork-stab incoming hands for the casserole dish you have annexed. If necessary, retire to your bedroom with the casserole dish and serving spoon, sit on your bedroom floor indian style - and bonus points if you can fit the entire serving spoon in your mouth. its christmas. you deserve it.
For the love of god...one bite of everything honestly. Because, really, there is no way in hell you can cram in the necessary four pounds of sweet potato casserole with all that other noise distracting your belly from the annual requisite sweet potato casserole stuff fest. It is absolutely acceptable to fork-stab incoming hands for the casserole dish you have annexed. If necessary, retire to your bedroom with the casserole dish and serving spoon, sit on your bedroom floor indian style - and bonus points if you can fit the entire serving spoon in your mouth. its christmas. you deserve it.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
free advice part 4
how to enjoy christmas eve in two easy steps.
1) eat a xanax
2) slouch on the sofa and stare at the most beautiful christmas tree you have ever laid your eyes on. This would be whilst simultaneously shrugging away any minor worry that tries to soil the most phenonmonally blase experience you have ever been so intensly blase excited to be blase.
optional 3) dab the drool that pools at the corners of your mouth.
1) eat a xanax
2) slouch on the sofa and stare at the most beautiful christmas tree you have ever laid your eyes on. This would be whilst simultaneously shrugging away any minor worry that tries to soil the most phenonmonally blase experience you have ever been so intensly blase excited to be blase.
optional 3) dab the drool that pools at the corners of your mouth.
Monday, December 1, 2008
free advice part two
If you want to pour grape nuts into your uneaten yogurt, only seven will fit into the container, and approximately 926 will fit on your counter.
So, before just pouring away to your hearts content minding little else then the cats at your ankle, do yourself a giant favor and eat a bite of yogurt first, or get a bowl - if you're the type that keeps clean bowls around. Then find me and thank me, I will be in the kitchen looking at Becky and shrugging innocently at the elusive grape nut mountain. That is all.
So, before just pouring away to your hearts content minding little else then the cats at your ankle, do yourself a giant favor and eat a bite of yogurt first, or get a bowl - if you're the type that keeps clean bowls around. Then find me and thank me, I will be in the kitchen looking at Becky and shrugging innocently at the elusive grape nut mountain. That is all.
Monday, November 3, 2008
advisement
If you happen to accidentally scare the everloving piss out of me - and subsequently you decide its a good idea to laugh at me, and hard I might add - because I did a little dance in place, and maybe I screamed, just a little bit....
well, you should probably consider running, at full speed, in the opposite direction
because that shit was decidedly the most un-funny thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
well, you should probably consider running, at full speed, in the opposite direction
because that shit was decidedly the most un-funny thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
illustrious demands
25 years ago today I was expelled from my mother's uterus.
therefore, in celebration of my existance on this earth, (and thank your lucky stars, your life) this is what I want for my birthday:
1) biscuits and jelly
2) apple pie and ice cream
3) a maid
4) a frodo costume for halloween
5) the answers to Dale Ramsden's take home test
6) the answers to all my questions actually
7) a personal assistant (Erin, really, your name is written all over this one, I suggest you put your bid in early before someone else takes it)
8) new bike wheels
9) someone to image my slides so I don't have to go into lab today
10) an updated sirius radio
11) oh shit the sirius stiletto
12) sirius to be wired into my actual stereo and not transmitted through shitty fm
13) PBS and RPMI waiting for me in the cold room
14) a gym membership at the Y
15) recognition from all the people that I deem relevant in my life, that you are in fact, pleased to have me around, I would like this to be expressed in a monetary or material nature, I could settle for a hug, but a pair of sweet Bose headphones would really drive the message home.
Alright guys, there you have it, you have til midnight, i'd suggest you get cracking, esp for number 5 and 6, could be tricky.
I also recommend you talk amongst yourselves as to who is getting what so I'm not stuck returning double presents.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
get your free advice here!!!!!
unless you are so inclined to stay awake for most of the night due to superfluous vomiting, do not, under any circumstance, ever, eat, a semi-raw sweet potato.
and if you choose to do so, do not under any circumstance, underestimate the ability of your body to procure weeks worth of food to disgorge in a fashion that would make the writer's of exorcist jealous.
and if you choose to do so, do not under any circumstance, underestimate the ability of your body to procure weeks worth of food to disgorge in a fashion that would make the writer's of exorcist jealous.
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