i <3 today, in pictoral format, for your viewing pleasure

PLUS

EQUALS

You're invited!

TO A PITY PARTY!!!!!

Yes folks its that time of year already!! Where did the time go!? - the annual fall melee of fuck my immune system is here, only place to go where the gamut of illness runs from cotton balls in my nose to gravel and glass shards in my intestine, and I'm pretty sure someone put a few bricks in my sinus cavities last night. If you lost your chain saw/blender blades/nails/or otherwise obtrusive sharp objects - look no farther because I think I may have accidentally housed them in my throat and bronchial tubes.

To overload you on the fabulous and fantastic fun that I am currently sitting here not experiencing, I get to present my research tomorrow at 9am. Have I started on my presentation yet?? would this really be a proper pity party if I had? But no worries, because its not like I really sleep anymore anyway. I'll type and fret away into the wee hours of the morning whilst trying to keep most of my internal organs from crawling out of my esophagus.

RSVP by midnight. Bring your own orange juice, tissues are provided, hugs should be distributed cautiously.

oh grad school. oh you.

I have leftover pizza in the fridge for dinner tonight [yay] , I slept a full 8 hours last night thanks to Tylenol PM [bows] , I will be attending an all day music fest tomorrow [fantastic] , I parked on campus for my 4th time in the past two weeks with no ticket [I am a god] , and I just received my take home test from advanced molecular bio [shit] . I'm thoroughly amused with the piquant directions, even though the questions are nothing short of a blood bath.

[This exam may contain trick questions designed specifically to lower the Gaussian curve. Read the question two times and then read it again to your cat to be certain that you (and your cat) understand what is asked for. Each year about 15% of the answers score zero because the person has re-interpreted the question and answered a different question than the one asked for. Remember--your TAs have been specifically trained to detect such deception.]

lets break this down:

This exam may contain trick questions designed specifically to lower the Gaussian curve.

Awesome. Thanks. Big relief, because I was pretty worried about breezing right through this test. I mean, its not like I can barely interpret your questions or anything. I'm sure your gratuitous riddles will be just like doing a sudoku to pass the time.

or, you know, how about *not* trying to fail us?

Read the question two times and then read it again to your cat to be certain that you (and your cat) understand what is asked for.

what will the people with no cat do!? WHAT WILL THEY DO!?!? lower the Gaussian curve is what they will do. Thank god I have a fantastically intelligent cat.

Each year about 15% of the answers score zero because the person has re-interpreted the question and answered a different question than the one asked for.

15% of your previous test takers were, apparently, not cat owners.

Remember--your TAs have been specifically trained to detect such deception.

What? wow, did you train them with little treats and a bell? Do they have cats? Are they trained too? Did you also train them to give me a dirty look that would kill the young and innocent when I come to your class late? (and aren't they used to this by now?) Isn't this turning into a lot of work JUST to make sure some people fail your test?

This is all, just mildly appreciated, sir. And furthermore, if it wasn't for your cheeky directions, I'd probably have already started on the test and not be blogging.

Reason 468 why Becky is fantastic.

The past two weeks have left me high and dry on the whole - getting 8 hours of sleep per night suggestion. Ive been averaging maybe 2-3 non-consecutive hours a night. In lieu of my new found insomnia, I have resorted to drinking caffeine all. day. long. to overcome the brutal exhaustion that surreptitiously creeps into my brain after 2-3 hours post coffee/tea/diet pepsi max.

So after a long weekend of homework, take home tests, an absurd amount of drinking, and an even more absurd amount of not sleeping, I took melatonin and crawled in bed at 8pm for what was sure to be the answer to all of my life's problems. I could barely make it through a chapter of my John Grisham book I was so exhausted. I turned out the lights and laid awake until, oh, 5am. While being completely and totally exhausted. and *not* sleeping.

Since this wasn't fucking maddening enough--upon waking this morning I dragged myself out of bed, only to have a completely unfamiliar brand of shitty slam me in the face.

I called out to Becky to alert her of only what I could presently figure out - which was that I was really sick, possibly dying, and maybe I needed her help. Appropriately, the world then went silent and black and I woke up in front of my bathroom vanity after a very refreshing and very unplanned nap.

I called out to Becky again and instructed her that she probably needed to call an ambulance, a doctor, my mom, maybe the pope. As Becky comes to my door, I realize that I'm not only lying on my floor, but I'm lying on my floor mostly naked with no means of covering myself since I am completely immobile. So, laying there, and SURE of the fact that I was dying, was washed over with a wave of sudden extreme modesty, and told her she was NOT allowed to come in, but if she could please bring me some water that would be fantastic.

Becky returns with water and attempts to hand it to me with one arm through a tiny crack of my open door. I have no means of reaching said water because I'm still laying on the fucking floor and moving was not an option yet seeing as the world was still mostly black/spinning/silent. So now I'm like, Becky, wtf are you doing, I can't move, come in, jesus christ I'm dying lady. So Becky comes in, comments on the fact that I'm really white, my lips are white, brings me clothes, runs back downstairs and fetches the Brita, comes back, and settles in beside me to finish her homework to make sure I don't, in fact, die. A good 30 min of laying on the floor, watching the kitten fucking drink my water, but was nice enough to take turns with me, and not even caring that he had his entire fucking head in my glass, re-hydrated and moved on with my life.

So the good news is, its 12 pm, I'm alive, on my third cup of coffee, 6th glass of water, and I will make it to my confocal microscopy appointment on time.

Three cheers for Becky who undoubtedly saved my life this morning.

This is not you, This is not me. But just looking at her makes me feel better.

I have nothing to write, really, I just need to share this picture from last night. Take away what you will, enjoy.

just sayin'

*Acknowledgments:

Chris - I am sorry you have to put up with me in your cubicle. Thank you for letting me poke fun of your really expensive Prada glasses. Thanks for not being upset over my sloppy guffawing when I told you they look just like Zelda Rubenstein's glasses. I could tell you weren't the slightest bit amused, although your polite chuckle was appreciated.

Zelda Rubinstein: I didn't have cable as a child and so I religiously watched Poltergeist and Dirty Dancing EVERYDAY growing up, and sometimes a bad japanese cartoon version of Gulliver's Travels. You were someone I admired and feared for years.

Vacuum cleaner, sponge, Clorox: I spent my morning not studying, but scrubbing and vacuuming. This house is clean I tell you! (see what I did there? - lets try and get on the ball with these obscure movie references please.)

A pleonastic tribute to my friend and yours, Djarum.

Even better than coffee, in my room, on a dark rainy day, in my pjs, with sirius 17 playing me sweet sweet tunes, even better then my free breakfast this morning, and having slept in until 7:15...these things, all of these things have just been overridden, surmounted, TOPPED WITH ICING AND CONFETTI AND BELLS AND WHILSTES,

because
I
just
gave
in.

My will power crashed and burned. My self control plummeted to zero. I just enjoyed my first clove from my first pack of Djarum Blacks as a grad student, while sipping a delicious dark roasted coffee from Panera Bread, while sitting in my dark room in my pjs, while listening to the mellifluous tones of The Heavy Pets.

Oh god its so good to give in. Thank you tobacco store. Thank you Clove. Thank you Panera. Thank you weak will power. I can now commence studying for hours in the etheral calm that only Djarum can bring me.