Upon waking yesterday morning from four hours of sleep to a really not so surprising wine hangover - I decided caffeine-- superfluous* amounts of caffeine that is, would be my answer to not only make it through my morning alive, but to also fuel what would be an otherwise miserable bike ride.
*
Main Entry: superfluous
Part of Speech: adj
Definition 1: more than enough; overabundant; extra
Definition 2: one cup of coffee brewed from espresso beans, one sugar-free red bull, one Centrum weight smart with Caffeine and Guarana
I began my ride as per normal, perusing through my mp3 player, and for the first time in years, not skipping over Jane's Addiction. One JA song led to another, and led me to another, until I was solely listening to the entire Kettle Whistle album - which leads me to truth number 1, Jane's addiction is totally worth revisiting, Jane and I have come full circle, furious grunge rock found its way back into my now rapidly beating little hamster heart.
As I fiercely forwarded from one song to the next- caffeine was subsequently taking over my bike ride/heart/life/soul. Now, in an insane pedaling frenzy, frustrated that suddenly this whole, axle/chain system was making my ride way too easy, and contemplating perhaps running, whilst carrying my bike, and maybe a few average sized men on my back --to adequately consume this insurmountable level of energy surging through my soul, I transpired into my very own living breathing quintessential Brawndo commercial. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tbxq0IDqD04 (and can also apparently, render the wolrd's longest and most impressive run on sentences)
Riding, at perhaps 300 rpm, maybe averaging 50 mph, head-bopping and arm waving to Jane's addiction, I arrive at a stoplight and realize I am in fact, surrounded by morning traffic and perhaps I might look slightly foolish in my cycling/dancing endeavors. In my peripheral vision, I see a flurry - of something, something rapidly moving - furiously - scaring me that I am now starting to hallucinate on what can only be an overdose of caffeine. Upon further inspection, the flurry is a lady, and her arms are moving insanely fast. Her arm storm was inclusive of ripinng motions to her head, specifically her ears. I thought maybe we were on some caffeine induced ethereal page together. The terribly unexciting truth was, she just wanted me to remove my headphones to scold me, leaving JA to blare loud enough for at least three cars back to enjoy. (free beats!)
"I can't believe you ride with your headphones on!! Is it really necessary for you to listen to music while you ride? Don't you know the dangers of riding and not being able to hear traffic?? You need to be careful young lady, I am just trying to look out for you, you should take those things off!!"
Hey lady, maybe the next time you go on a bike ride, and judging from your sheer size would be never, but if you do, and also you get lost - and you are now 40 miles into your ride and you blew through all of your electrolytes hours ago, and also your are trying to peddle up a hill - which if it was any steeper cars would fall off the face of the earth - and your thigh cramps, but you can't stop because there isn't enough time to unclip your fucking shoe without falling over because you are moving up said hill so slowly...and the ONLY thing you have to rely on, your only fucking thigh cramp emollient, is the strong beat of Particle --And the only alternative to Particle is to kill yourself, because the pain is ungodly intense, THEN YES I DO NEED TO WEAR HEADPHONES WHEN I RIDE. (Truth #2) And if you are so inclined to be such the altruist, then maybe you can go clean up the vomit I laid down on 751 north, exorcist style.
Which leads me to Truth #3, when your eggs expired two months ago, don't eat that shit.
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